Did you ever get a disease? Maybe you got a mump. Maybe you got a cold or flu. Could be that you have an existential dread or anxiety. Or Swampfoot. The Shakey Jakes. Scooter’s Pie. Bone Fever. The Toledo Monsieur. Or even Melaney’s Apology.
These are all kinds of disease. When you get a disease the best thing you can do is go to a doctor. But guess what. Not all doctors are “the good guy” and (according to Nintendo) some are actually full time plumbers who put on a lab coat and old timey doctor headband and say “my ego is so inflated i’ll just be a fuck*in’ doctor, too” and start randomly throwing pills around.
Sure why not. I guess. That’s why today’s review is the nintendo tape Dr. Mario.
So after mario woke up from the nightmare he had in Super Mario Bros. 2, he decided he wanted to try a new profession due to a crippling case of the midlife crisis. Plumbing gave him bad dreams of Wart and Snifit and Birdo so he figured “I’ll be a doctor and cure disease and in that way come to terms with my own terrible demons” which would be fine but I don’t think he went to medical school at all. He just like, hung out with mushroom people and princess toadstool when she wasn’t being kidnapped or whatever. Probably he had a crush on her and was afraid to write it down in his diary because then someone could read it and tell her. Probably Ellis. I mean Toad. Sorry dont know why I said Ellis.
In 1993 Ellis was over at my house playing a super nintendo tape (UN squadron) (i was the nintendo tape kid after all, had at least one of them at all times, even rented them a lot on weekends) and i got really sick after eating BIGFOOT PIZZA that mom got us. It went through me like a greek spear through the side of a horse thrown by hercules. So i was on the toilet for a long time. When i came back to my room ellis was laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks. I asked what was so funny and when he saw me he started laughing EVEN HARDER. He held up my DIARY and i SAW RED. Iou know how people say they see red when they get mad? it is real. I think that rage makes all the blood shoot up to your head and makes you see the blood pulsing through your eyeballs.
I was so mad that everything i saw was through a red filter! I told him to get out, i was screaming at him to get out!! And never ever EVER return. He left without even saying anything just kept laughing. BETRAYER. Both Ellis AND bigfoot pizza!!!!
When Ellis left I picked up my diary or I mean journal because that is more tough sounding and my dad would have called me a girl if he heard me slip and say diary. Sorry dad I’m sorry. Idk why but in those days things made you a girl or a boy if you did or said certain things. People miss the 90s but they kind of sucked bc of stuff like that even though Are U Afraid Of The Dark was pretty good.
Anyways I picked up my diary and it was closed so i had no idea what part he was laughing at but no matter what it was i knew this was going to be bad come Monday. I tried to play sick but by this time mom was wise to my tricks so off to school i went. “Cool.” I mean its not like I wasnt used to this by now anyway.
What’s one more bullying amongst foundations.
Well on monday as soon as I got in line outside before the bell rang, people were already laughing at me and the only person who was not laughing or at least snortling and trying not to laugh was this girl in my grade named Melaney. So right away i knew what Ellis did. He read the part where i talked about how much i liked her and how if her house caught fire I would save her and her family all by myself and be the hero and stuff like that and he told her and everyone else.
She lived on our block, she moved to our neighborhood in 1991 when we were 14 and the first day i met her walking her dog down my street, I thought she was the coolest and funniest and prettiest girl i ever knew. it was summer time so i was just a normal guy to her back then, she didn’t know who i was in school. I mean, like, what people THOUGHT of me. So she would talk to me when i would see her out like I was normal for that whole summer! Which was cool! I never acted weird or gross or told her i thought she was awesome or anything. Just talked to her like a person.
When I saw her at lunch later that Monday she immediately looked away from me and I got flustered and said “hey sorry about what I wrote I was just writing stuff because I want to be a writer someday and I was just making stuff up and practicing.” and she said “it’s ok” and that was the last time I talked to her until 1995 when we both worked at the same pizza place (not pizza hut, who I still have a grudge against 30 years later) and even then the only things we said were “excuse me” etc when we needed to reach for toppings to make pizza or move past each other.
Anyway i looked her up on social media today and it looks like she got to live a kick ass life with a whole awesome family so in the end I won. and Ellis lost because he spent a lot of the past 30 years going in and out of prison. but i would also like to win by him getting straightened out and having a nice life, too. That would be good.
You see we are all like lightbulbs in a way, sometimes people don’t know how to emit any light but when they figure it out they can shine for the whole rest of their lives and its never too late to hit that switch. It can be hard to find it in the dark, tho, so good luck Ellis maybe someone else’s light can help u find it. They did for me.
And go to hell bigfoot pizza. Crap ass idiot piece of crap.
That is why I give Dr. Mario 1 cured disease out of 10.
PS.
