Category: Nintendo Tape Reviews

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Which martial art is best for defending myself against bullies?

Thanks,

Bullied

Dear Bullied,

Wow, another good question this week.

(I really appreciate it when readers send in letters, so keep sending them to mrnintendotapes@gmail.com)

So, you want to learn how to kick and punch and possibly flip in order to defend your body or honor from attackers.
As a former Bullied myself, I can tell you that my pacifist responses did not serve me well! You are making the right choice in dedicating yourself to one of the many honorable combat arts.
As a practitioner of Iai-jutsu (quick draw sword art, took lessons in 2003) I feel I am uniquely qualified to answer you much more accurately than my competition.(Dear Prudence and Dear Abby’s martial prowess or lack thereof are still unknown, and I am going to assume nil. If they read this, feel free to drop me a line so I can update your enemy profiles in my villain database with Way of Fist or Way of Sword)

So as you can see, Way of Martial Arts is a wonderful way to build courage (I do not fear Prudy or Abby) and self respect, not to mention the ability to defend yourself or your honor (or the honor of your loved ones) in a decisive and impressive looking manner.
FYI, If you can master the flips, you will be unstoppable. No one knows how to deal with them. It confuses your enemies and allows you to swiftly strike their neck, incapacitating them. The neck should be your only target. It is where you breathe. But Neck Strike Jutsu is not the only technique. There are many such jutsu’s you can learn. Many indeed.
Ask your potential sensei what his power rating is IN JAPAN only. America has no oversight on power ratings and many senseis will just make them up, you can tell because they look confused and upset when you ask. “uh, enough” is NOT a power rating!!! So don’t accept that.

So my medical advice would be that you find a good and appropriately power-rated sensei who can teach you flips and neck hit jutsus (techniques.) Karate would be better than Iai-jutsu in your case, as you are not allowed to hit people in the neck with swords and you can’t open carry the katana you get from the mall anyway.
Luckily I can soak punches very well because of all the practice I got in elementary and middle and highschool and some college. I did not learn Way of Fist. But my blade shines on…

We are warrios. Never forget that.
We are warriors.

With Honor,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Letter # 2

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

I keep finding food wrappers hidden in the house and in the car. My partner swears they don’t belong to them.
What could be happening? It is not like them to tell a lie to me.

Confused and Scared,
Boise

Dear Confused,

The appearance of random food wrappers could indeed be explained by a lying partner, but since you said they don’t tell lies, we have to investigate this phenomenon a little more thoroughly.

It is not uncommon for ghosts or other types of Intelligences & Entities to engage in behavior like this, for example. Take the Brundok of ancient Mesopotamia. It is a type of ghost who would leave food wrappings on the floor of ancient homes after stealing the meats and breads from a family. If there was a baby in the home, it would also consume their soul. The Brundok is under the control of a demon called Pazuzu and that guy is not the one you want for an adversary.
I would advice you to find a high level priest or pastor to do the Soul Test to your partner. If an Brundok has taken up residence in your home and there are no babies, it could have consumed their soul instead. That would be the easiest way. If this proves to be the case, write back because I have a banishment system that will make the Brundok move on.

One of many systems I have personally developed to repel Intelligences & Entities over the years.

Well that wraps up another Ask the Dr. segment!
I am running low on emails! Better send me one!
And allow me to heal your life. I am a wonderful healer.
-MRNT OUT

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,

Is Dimpler a good name for a baby boy? Brian keeps saying it is.

Sincerely,
Mortified in West Virginia

Dear Mortified,

No.

I know this was you Brian,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Letter# 2

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,

What’s your perfect date? I’m terrible at coming up with date night ideas and with a recent schedule change, my wife and I are able to fit a few date nights into the monthly routine. I’m excited but nervous! I want to take her on fun outings but when I try to think of ideas, I freeze up!

Locked Up in Louisville

Dear Locked Up,

That’s great news! Normally everyone is too busy scrabbling around trying to keep their homes out of foreclosure so I’m really happy to hear you and your wife get to have some fun!

So, on to some great ideas.
Axe Throwing: I keep hearing about this as a fun date, and great news! Axes are cheap. You really just need a couple of small hatchets and a case of beer to make this date night really take off!
Just remember, the idea is to NOT throw them at one another! ( I think) but at like a old tire or something. I’ve been meaning to try it with my lady myself! Report your findings on this if you do it. Whiskey is a good alternative to beeer for this one.

Arcade: Retro Gaming is officially HOT! If you live in a decently sized town you can usually find a good sized arcade with all da hits. Ms. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Crystal Castles, you name it. A lot of them serve beer, too, so…bonus! If you live in the tristate area of Pitttttsssssburgh though, I don’t recommend this one, though. I hold the Hi-Score on the Return of the Jedi sit down cabinet and I really dont need any more heat on it. Otherwise, take your wife to a fun night of boozing and Space Invadererrs!

Back Roadin’
Now this is an old favorite! Nothing like putting on some Hot Tunes like GnR or Alice in Chains and hitting the dirt roads under a starry sky! You can even pull over and pop a drink once an hour to keep you feelin’ fine while staying under the legal limit. We do not drive drunk in my neck of da woods! But you really need beer for this. Even a “lil” bit hehe.
God i feel FINE tonight all my problems just went awayy lmao wickeed. now where is da rest of my juice lol
,nmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnm
Hope these ideas help!

With Peace and Love, Foreever more and then som! To all the children of the world aka Us all. I love u all.

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

lmao this pic i mad e. “if my nintendotoes was a wish”
god why do i writte these lmao someone any o ne help me hahah

so yeah ok i just came back after posting my NEW advice coliumn which is my REAL JOB ok brian coates because i KNOW that first letter about the dempler baby was HIM writing in for a gas!!!

hey bryan how bout i tell all my readerss abot the 1995 FORD TEMPO INCIDENT OF 1996.

dont make me go there brian.

ok so im back again and yeah. in 1996 i saved up enough money to get a 1988 ford tempo i loved it. it looked like the cars the police drove in robocop. well as soon as i did save up and buy that with money i made as a third key at taco bell MR BRIAN COTES comes home a day later in a brand new gently used 1995 ford tempo, painted black EXACTYL like robocops! and he was like “hey man like the ride” and he knew i was gutted.

then he wrecked that car when he got his first dui and then had to borrow mine to drive his dad to work and then wrecked THAT on the way home!! bryan cotes do not make me tell more…

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

I hope you can help. My huband and I were watching a movie called “The Wizard” with Fred Savage and during the finale, they play Super Mario 3. My husband said it was the first time anyone in the world ever saw the game, and since he was there to see the movie in 1989 on opening night, he was one of the first people in the world to ever see the game being played. Ever since he’s been referring to himself as “Mr. Mario” and “King Koopa” around the house and shoving it in my face.

Is this true? IS The Wizard the first time SMB3 was seen??

HELP he is insufferable!

THANK YOU!
Super Divorcio Sister, Annapolis

Dear Super Divorcio Sister,

Your husband it partially right. In the age before the internet, people in the US hadn’t seen Super Mario Brother’s 3 in action unless they came across it in an arcade in a Playchoice-10 cabinet.
But please, the next time MR. MARIO is going on about how he was one of the first people to see it in action, remind him of a country called JAPAN who had been playing the game an almost 2 full years before fred savage did in The Wizard.
Maybe that will settle down King Koopa’s nutsack a hair.

Who even is this guy, my advice is that you never let him play nintendo again. My God. I seriously wanna play this guy in Double Dragon B mode and mop the floor with his ass tbh. I’m getting mad just thinking about your husband for real.

All my best,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Letter #2

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

I recently got into a fight with my girlfriend over our shared expenses while living together and it came out that she is extremely wealthy. Like, hotel chain owning level of wealthy. I was gobsmacked to hear it and now she’s trying to stuff the worms back into the can but it’s too late.
What do I even do? Her family are literal billionaires and I had no idea while we argue over dinner bills.

Sincerely,
Looney in Lisbon

Dear Looney,

My advice is to ask your girlfriend for a playstation 5 and a nintendo switch. Then move on to things like cars and awesome jet packs or hover mobiles. Have you ever seen a fucking hovermobile??? They are awesome. And amhibious vehicles. You can park in your POOL. Could you imagine.

I would also ask her for a invisibility camo suit like the CIA use when they do their psyops on poor neighborhoods except I would use it against them to destabilize them from within. With all her billions I would get so many cool gadgets to defeat the CIA. Just imagine what I could do. I can’t stop thinking about it at all and I don’t even want to try. And I would drive a de Tomaso Mangusta around as my signature car and the wrap would say “MR. NINTENDOTAPES OPS ROUTINE”

All my best wishes,

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Well that wraps up yet another Ask Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes!
C U Next Wednesday!

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,

I have a have been with my wife for 15 years. For the past 5 months I have been sleeping with a coworker. I need to curse my wife to disappear. How do I curse my wife without cursing myself? I know everyone believes whatever I say so thats not a problem. I just need this curse to not effect my daily routine

Sincerely,
Suffering In Ohio
(Location Not Given)

Dear Suffering,

I’m sorry to hear your wife is being cheated on! Poor lady. What the heck caused you to become such a villain???????
Please do not cast a curse! I saw Stephen King’s “Thinner” and let me tell you they are scary as hell. You never know what you’re gonna get with a curse. I think she is cursed enough by being cheated on personally! Cursed with a husband who has Designs on her.

Maybe you should fix your own heart and think about what if you were nice to her! The curse will effect your daily routine by deducting points from your SOUL on the Anubis Scale of Bad Vibes!

And one more thing! Buster!
Is this really Monica? Because what you are describing is exactly what happened with me and an ex and I have cast wards against her so if this is her in disguise I WILL call cops!!! Monica!!!

Sincerely,

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
(if that was Monica I will call cops and I do not like cops.)

Letter # 2

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

I turn 60 years old in 3 weeks. My problem is I’ve always wanted to learn SCUBA but I feel like sixty is too old to do it. So I’m considering skipping the qualifications for it so I can hit up Sandals for some unlicensed SCUBA parties before the big Six-Oh. I’ve always been a reserved individual but now that my youth is about to expire I feel like it’s time for one last hurrah.

Thank you,
Nervous in Jacksonville

Dear Nervous,

I get it! Totally. Who wouldn’t want to just skip boring school and head straight into the deep waters of adventure?! Well I will tell you who, and it is ME.
Listen here. I was made to watch Jaws at 5 years old so I KNOW what lurks beneath the waves. And it is millions of hungry sharkmouths all lined with razor sharp teeth in their pointed or hammer shaped heads.
Do you want to get EATEN and even worse CRAPPED OUT.
Because that is what is waiting for you if you SCUBA swim!!!
I couldn’t walk on blue carpet for WEEKS afterward! That is how scary just one shark can be.

And those big metal SCUBA suits with the air tubes stuck to your helmet going back up to the ship are not going to let you escape at all when (not if) Jaws come for you.

So please reconsider. I know you are very old but you could have some years left if you just stay home and pass your 60th with friends and family and not the sharks.

Best wishes,

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

As always send me your questions, thoughts, complaints, whatever to mrnintendotapes@gmail.com !! i will answer every single one.

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,

I need advice, but how can I be sure you’re a better choice than Dear Prudence or Dear Abby? They’ve been around for years and you’re brand new to this.
How can you assure me that your advice is good or worth following? The plus side is you’re more likely to answer my question, given your smaller audience, which is a plus.

Thanks,
Not Trying To Start A Fight,
Michigan

Dear 100% Starting A Fight,

I can’t really be compared to those two Legends of The Field. They are powerful women who have given solid advice for decades. But there are a few key differences I would like to point out that may tip you one way or the other here.

Difference #1: I took official sword classes in 2003. I was spoken to in Japanese by an actual Sensei. It is an ancient art I practiced and the wisdom of the samurai now lies with in me. I do not know what sort of martial training Prudence or Abby have received. (if any)

Difference #2: I’ve conquered over twenty (20) official nintendo tapes, and over 6 Sega Genesis nintendo tapes in my life. Including Ninja Gaiden 2, which in my opinion counts for 5 tapes just by itself due to its level of difficulty. Even if I used game genie. Which I am not saying I did.

I don’t have the numbers of conquered tapes for Abby or Prudy, but I would stack my score up against theirs any day.

Difference #3: I have been a friend to over 3 people in my life that has spanned over 6 total decades. I was born in the 1970s and as we all know, with age comes wisdom.
My friends have had many problems that they have told me about and I have used these problems to hone my advice skill. Here’s one example.

Friend 1: Hey, Mr. Nintendotapes, can you help me with this problem I have?

Me: Yes, here is the solution for you.

Friend 1: Thank you!! This is the answer I needed. You solved the case for me yet again, your 100% solve rate is in tact!!!

Me: Glad to help.

So, as you can see, I am quite adept at solving every case or mystery or problem you can have. Conquering Nintendo Tapes takes real problem solving skill, as does learning to not cut yourself so much in the next Sword Lesson. (if Sensei says DO NOT swing the sword unless instructed you MUST listen. It is not a game.)

So feel free to write again with your problem, no harm no foul. It is the Way of Bushido to forgive those who trespass against us as you did against me.

Sincerely,

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Letter #2

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

I have a date coming up this weekend. It’s my first time stepping back into the dating pool after my last relationship ended five years ago. I’ve been busy raising my daughter and have not been paying attention to the dating scene AT ALL.
My match and I agreed to a picnic at a popular park, and I’m really looking forward to it. But my problem is I have NO idea what to talk about with this man! Can you give me some suggestions?
Thank you!

Sincerely,
Out of the Loop,
West Virginia

Dear Out of the Loop,

First of all, congratulations on getting back out there! Dating is really hard and awful and punishing even under ideal circumstances and yours is bound to be 100 times worse given the info you’ve provided!
But worry not. For I am here to put you on the perfect path to a dynamite picnic date with your PNL (Possible New Lover)

Topic #1: Pets. Everyone loves a dog. But many people are against cats. So tell him you love dogs but that cats are a case by case basis as many of them are assholes in secret. Tell him a fun memory of you saving a Dog from a burning building or apartment. It is ok to tell “fibs” at this stage in dating. You can tell the truth about that later and laugh it off together.

Topic 2: Religion. There are so many! And have such cool gods. The one I believe in is so cool and awesome and not a super well known one. So bring up religion, ask him what his is and if you agree with it or not. Then tell him yours and give evidence why its the best one. Sometimes people get mad at this one but just say “Lol take a chill pill buster, we just talkin” if he does. Or say “Just playin, haha”

Topic 4: Picnics. That’s right. You have maybe the best topic there is right at your fingertips because you are ON a picnic date! Talk about how in the cartoons, ants always invade picnics by marching in single file and carry off all the food while the characters are powerless to stop them. Then the characters get real hungry and look at each other and see food instead of people. And you get afraid they are going to try and eat each other which of course they do.
Ask your date what kind of meat they see when he looks at you after the ants take the food, and you will know what kind of person your date is.
Good luck!

Oh, and here are some Red Flags to watch out for!!! These are Real D.U.’s in my medical opinion. (Dump Umm’s) (not related to Steak Umm’s which gave me food poisoning once)

Red Flag #1: Constant scrolling of the phone or Talking About Himself. These people are the pits! Get outta there. Make up a story about a plague or a starving kid or whatever just get the hell outta there!!

Red Flag #2: Talking about his Ex. GOD! Gimme a break. Since she is so awesome then he must really suck butt since she dropped him! No excuse required, just get up and go. A true “pack ‘er up” moment! just GTFO baby. Major Dump Umm.

Best Of Luck To You,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

That’s all folks! I’ll be back again Friday with more burning questions to douse with my wisdom!
Email me at mrnintendotapes@gmail.com with yours today!
I will answer every single one I get.
MR NT OUT