Review: JAWS

This time it is personal because Shark is a literal fear that i have (also all deep water) because of Jaws The Movie and this is the review I was dreading most!

But I am a journalist and chronicler of ALL nintendo tapes. I knew when I took this job that it was not for the meek!

Even though I am meek (over sharks only)! (and many other things)

But strong enough to face my fear.

That is why today’s’ review is JAWS.

I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!! Part of the job.

The thing about sharks is that every single human being is terrified of them. It is a world wide fear for humanity that if they swim in the ocean they will see a back fin pop up thats headed right at them and they will be chomped apart in a bloody cloud like the little Kitner boy in the movie.

And since your older sister let you watch it when you were five, you can never go in the ocean (any water) without thinking of a sharks’ dead, black eyes staring into you while their rows of jagged teeth bite and tear you apart so they can devour your entire body. It fills you with such immense dread that the two times you ever went to the ocean you never went in more then ankle deep and you were even in your thirties!! While your girlfriend was like “aw”! Even swimming in the river with your friends made you nervous as a kid because you already knew from your obsessive research into your paralyzing fear that sharks can adapt to fresh water!!!

So it is a real fear and everyone has it, and I know that by reviewing this terrifying tape i am going to cause a lot of world wide panic.

I am sorry to all humanity but there are only several thousand nintendo tapes to review and I wanted to get this one over with early so i can STOP worrying about it because that is what you do when you want to make a healthy choice for yourself, and not live in fear.

In summer of 1989 byron came down and asked if i wanted to go to Davis Lake with him and Big Todd and Ellis. I said ok, because I had been to Davis Lake before and Iknew they had the arcade version of congo bongo which is probably my third favorite gorilla game, and I had played it at aunt Lydia’s a million times on colecovision. The arcade version was even more awesome. I always liked how the speakers in arcade games thumped harder than the ones at home on the TV. Just an awesome experience.

So I said ok. I put on my swimming trunks and grabbed a towel and off we went. (I needed the towel so they would believe I intended to actually swim that day and not play congo bongo the entire time.)

Usually I dreaded stuff like that because I knew that there would be some kind of pressure to do something i hated or at least get made fun of for refusing. But as soon as we drove off, the best song in the world came on (One day Love with find you, by journey) which is a hard rock song with guitar and synthesiser and it was about love but in a cool way.

So hanging with my best buddies and listening to the greatest song ever and knowing i had five dollars for snacks that i would use to play congo bongo the entire time had me in just about the best mood you could be in during the summer of 1989, aside from seeing batman. and ghost busters 2. Even Big Todd was in a good mood for once, and he wasn’t even messing with us too hard, only making fun of us for being nerds and stuff, which was fine by me. Better than some awful hike.

Davis Lake was about 40 minutes away and it isnt anything fancy like in big city lakes. It had a pretty long sliding board, but not the long twisty style tubes that “water parks” like you remember from Bill And Tedd movie had. It was a regular small lake that had what looked like a wooden dock out in the center that floated there. I guess they tied it down because it never floated away.

It was big enough for maybe ten people to lay on if they swam out to it. That was where byron and ellis were headed, while i said “I am going to go get something to drink” aka “i am going to go to the snack bar and play congo bongo all day, see ya fellas” but i didnt say that part. I knew I wouldn’t have to defend my choice for awhile because there was a buzzer that went off like every 40 minutes that meant everyone has to get out of the lake. I guess to have a rest and dry out.

When I walked into the snack bar, it was all different from last time. The tables were moved around and the counter was new but the bad thing is the Congo Bongo arcade game was GONE. It wasnt even replaced with a crystal castles or anything. it was just gone and there was nothing in its place but a grimy looking square on the floor where it used to sit.

I went over to the counter and asked the teenage girl behind it where they put the Congo Bongo. She looked at me like I was the stupidest human being on planet earth and said “I dont know what that is, I dont think we have it”

If I was the happiest kid in the car listening to Journey an hour earlier I was definately the saddest kid standing at that counter while the teenage girl stared at me. Because it occured to me i am going to have to swim. And I had hid my fear of sharks from my friends since I moved into that neighbarhood in 1987. I had been able to cover with lies the whole time.

I went back outside right as byron and ellis were coming in. They had decided they would wait for me and we could all three swim out to that floating dock think in the center of the lake. Awsome. Cool. I said I was too tired and they asked from what. I couldnt think of anything and byron said “come on p*ssy.” (his catch pfrase) They knew i could swim because we always went to the town pool down at the high school in the summer and I could do ok but like i mentioned before, i dont have a lot of “stamana” for physical. So they didnt see why I couldnt swim out there with them.

So i said alright. To be honest with you, I was pretty mad over the congo bongo situation and figured i would be mad enough to not be afraid of the deep water, and since it was a closed off lake that wasnt connected to any other river (the lake was small enough you could see the whole thing) that the risk of shark attack was zero.

But when I stepped into the lake, the water was dark and gloomy like the river. The swimming pool in town was ok, it was clear and you could see the bottom and you KNEW there was not anything in there that would kill you unless jeremy sunderman happened to be there that day, and he would at worst just beat your ass behind the gym. But a murky lake where some ancient shark could have been lurking for thousands of years was much more terrifying to me.

After some more prodding from my friends along with the rage of no congo bongo, I said “scre*w it!!!” and i was was able to force myself into the water. I had two ways to swim. One was doggie paddle which is embarrassing and slow. The other is to go under water and then swim with my whole body which was a lot faster but i could only do with my face mask which covered my eyes and nose. Since i didnt plan to swim at all i did not think to bring it.

So i had to doggy paddle which was really tiring. Not that big of a deal since you can lay on the dock in the middle and rest before you have to swim back. So i wasnt’ worried. But I was worried my foot would brush against the scales of a prehistoric shark which would then drag me under and i would drown/be eaten and die of both at the same time screaming.

So here is the problem: I made it to the dock and had barely pulled myself up on to it when the stupid buzzer went off for everyone to get out of the lake!!!

byron and ellis hopped back in (they were athletec) along with the rest of the people sitting there. I was pretty much out of energy from the swim there and it was a fact i would not make it back to shore from the dock if i tried. My arms were burning from even getting out there.

But guess what. The world is full of crap @ss rules. And even fuller of people who trip over their idiot selves to make sure everyone else follows them.

I was the last person sitting on the dock and of course after the buzzer goes off and everyone leaves, the life guards start SCREAMING! at me to “get back to shore!” but there was no way i had the energy to make it back so soon so I sat there and made the “sorry i cant do anything” gesture with both arms.

Then it was not only the life guards screaming but a bunch of people on the shore who were sitting on chairs and towels. Bunch of rule cops!! i never liked any kind of cop especially the ones who didnt get paid to do it. I thought what is so wrong with me just resting here during the fifteen minute break? I am not swimming it is just a floating dock. I can sit here as good as I can over there.

BUT NOPE!!! they kept screaming at me! byron at this point had come back towards me and started yelling at me to come on. So i got back in the water and started doggy paddling. I knew i was in trouble right away because my arms and legs felt so heavy. I was going really slow, making almost no progress at all. Which along with the normal murky water shark panic, I knew i was taking too long to get to shore and all the lifeguards were getting madder at me and everyone at the whole lake was watching me. It was the worst feeling in the world.

byron was getting further ahead of me and i knew i had no choice if i wanted to live. I said “byron, i need help dude. can you help me, please i am going to drown”

and he was getting pretty embarrassed just being near me so he grabbed my wrist and started yanking me along while he swam, meanwhile he cussed at me the whole time. he also reminded me to “kick my f^^cking legs because he cant do this himself” Which i understood being mad totally it was a crap thing to have to deal with. We finally get about five feet from the shore and byron let go of my arm and swam the rest of the way and got out. I was panicking and trying to paddle and starting to sink when the lifeguard watching me said “jesus just put your feet down, kid.”

So i put my feet down and stood up and realized i was about to drown in basically three feet of water. Which somehow made it worse for everyone to see.

I went and sat in the snack shop after i got the strength to walk again a few minutes later. I used my congo bongo money to buy snacks for byron and me in the end. When I did that he wasnt’ mad at me anymore and me and him and ellis talked to some of the girls in the snack bar.

well ellis and byron talked i sat there and ate my strawberry crunch bar. I love those. But the girls seemed nice.

that is why i give JAWS nintendo tape 10/10

also i do not feel any less scared after facing this fear so i do not advise you ever do that.