Today’s nintendo tape review is Super Mario Bros. 2. If you were alive and able to think in 1988 then you remember the power that this game held over people. It was sold out everywhere, there were lines at stores like Toy’s R’ U’s and Sear’s before the stores opened full of parents who wanted to snag a copy for their children. If you didn’t have “Mario 2” you were basically a sh*t kid. You couldn’t contribute anything to the discussion and beleive me, the discussion was everywhere. It was the first real “video game feeding frenzey” of history, and the sharks were very hungry. I was no differnt from the rest of the kids, and the first issue of Nintendo Power magazine had a clay sculpture scene from the game designed to make me even madder that I didn’t own it yet. I chose to review this game because in the end it is revealed that mario’s suffering is only a dream.
Today people draw pictures of his feet on dirty websites.
My friend Ellis knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to “do something” Well let me tell you about Ellis. He is the kid my mom always said “that kid will be in prison by the time he’s twenty, you need to stop hanging out with him” So I had the feeling in the back of my head that “doing something” was going to mean “lets take your mom’s jewelry” or “lets throw 25 cent slime things from the gas station at people’s houses”
My mom ended up being right, he went to jail a lot I guess. When we were older he pulled a knife on a guy in a bar and the guy hit him over the head with the reciever of a payphone then literelly put him head first into one of those big grey bar trash cans. Which is not exactly the same as jail but but maybe the bottom of that trash can gave him his first taste of being trapped in a gross place he couldn’t escape. The can was too heavey for him to knock over from inside and his feet were sticking up and kicking like a cartoon. Anyway before that in 1988 me and Ellis were only 11 so we hadn’t pulled knives on anyone or been dumped into any trash cans yet. I’d been shoved into the sharp bushes in front of the school at least five times by that point, a few times I got tossed out into the middle of them (they were a really big square of bushes, like the one really thick ones that have thick branches) by seniors so I had to crawl my way out and get all cut up in the process. But the secret is to laugh with them so you’re in on it too. So you say something like “LMAO nice one” and if you make yourself laugh hard enough then you’re just crying because youre laughing so hard.
Anyway it turned out “do something” that day was “lets dig holes on the bike path in the woods behind my house and cover them with leaves then watch and wait for someone to wreck on them”
I didnt really want to do that but Ellis always had a way of mocking you until you did what he said to do while he just kind of hung out and watched even though it was his idea. So we got a shovel from my garage and i dug a hole on the bike path and covered it in with leaves.
After that was done we hid in the bushes and waited for someone to come and wreck. now i realize that no one really used those paths but me and him and our friend bill so I guess in reality we were just waiting for bill. I felt really bad i didn’t want anyone to get hurt. anyway after about five minutes of waiting we got bored and went and did something else.
Mario’s feet are for walking or hopping turtles not to draw on dirty web sites.
Then a few days later our idiot jerk plan worked because someone did actually wreck and got hurt pretty bad on their bike. I lied to my mom when I got home and told her that I was cut up from a fight at school (that way it was someone elses fault and she would beleve it bc it happened a lot) and not because i dug a hole like a jerk to get someone hurt who ended up being her shithe*d son. i filled the hole in the next morning and in the end the only person who got hurt was the one who deserved it so it worked out and i never dug another hole to hurt someone again. So if you are smart you learn lessons in life.
I give Super Mario 2 a 1/10
