Ask The Warrior Anything.
But I’m Tired of Diabetes Questions.
Just Get Checked, Guys. IDK What To Tell You.
Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,
My dog won’t stop humping. Whether it’s the furniture, his stuffed animals, the other dog, me, the house. He humps anything anywhere. It’s starting to affect my marriage.
What’s a good way to communicate to him that these feelings are normal, but that he’s putting a strain on the family with it?
Sincerely,
Tired of This Humper,
(Via Email, No Location Given)
Dear Tired,
This is a predicament indeed! Of course, its the genetic imperative of all creatures to pound ass, and most animals don’t know enough about social etiquette to understand that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex/body enough that you keep it indoors, with a consenting participant only, preferably in the bedroom, and as polite as you can manage while apologizing for any physical, emotional, or mental shortcomings.
That being said, it is unlikely you will be able to properly communicate this to your dog verbally, so you may want to create an educational video with your partner in an informative yet entertaining fashion with some honest and succinct bullet points. Here are a few I suggest.
1. Nervous crying is OK, but the sooner you can reign it in, the better off everyone is going to be. The magnitudes of personal shame involved with love making can not be overstated and you need to know that an uncontrollable torrent of tears is natural. But it’s not particularly sexy.
2. Hide your shame of being h*rny with your partner in a PRIVATE designated space. That way no one can see you but maybe God, and if he doesn’t like it then he can figure out if you go to hell later on. And if your partner makes any comments about being “just a little disappointed, its not a huge deal” then no one but you will hear it and as long as only you know it, then you can live with it. But I’m pretty sure dogs talk to each other telepathically anyway but this is a good one to keep in mind for anyone really.
3. Honest Communication.
Best Wishes to you and your darling humper. I hope your family survives this.
Regards,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
My partner and I have been together for years, and things were going great until they dropped a bombshell: they want to completely change careers. I’m worried about the financial implications and the impact on our future. How should I navigate this unexpected turn of events?
Thanks, Anxious in Atlanta
Dear Anxious,
Wow, what a doozy. The dog one was fine because ultimately I’m not going to ruin a relationship, at worst the dog will but my hands will be clean. This question has Real Ramifications and that makes me nervous. But as a Doctor of Advice, let me navigate this mine field for you. Hop up on my shoulders, Anxious, its time to deliver you unto the opposite shore of this complex problem.
It sucks to be unhappy in your career. Trust me, I used to have a career in the grocery dept. of Wal Mart and it was awful. People always asked about my weak chin (beard wasn’t allowed there in those days) and it really drained me.
I changed my career to staying home and typing on the internet and shit, and I haven’t looked back since.
If your partner is acting miserable and lays on the couch all day saying things like “i wonder if Armageddon is close, and if it will hurt when the fiery mountain atomizes us?” or “i would give anything not to feel this I would even eat Fritos (worst snack chip) every single day than go back to that shit pit hell hole piece of crap”
then it may be a sign your partner is especially unhappy with their career.
I would advise that if your partner is unhappy to the point that it is seriously damaging their mental health then it would be a good idea to take a look at the finances and practicality of shifting to a new career. Linkedin is a great place to start I hear, even I have one, though I’m not sure how it works. If your partner needs a character reference from a Master Level Advice Doctor (anointed by the Council of 7), I’m happy to provide one for a nominal fee. They can even write it, I’m easy. Just don’t let them slip in any weird shit like “I recommend this person as a good employee and I also like to mule condoms of cocaine around for fun in my deep anus” or something. I do not like pranks and that one has been used on me more than once already.
Whatever you do, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a big ask. And relationships are hard work and we all have to make sacrifices for one another sometimes. But it has to go both ways. That’s what my exes keep telling me while I’m crying and asking “Are you sure?” while I’m being gently edged out the door.
Best wishes,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
That about does it for today’s Warrior’s Wellness or Ask Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes! I have a few more questions in the can but I always need more!
send your questions about anything to mrnintendotapes@gmail.com
and I will answer them right here! Totally free.
Warmest Regards and Champagne Dreams
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes