Letter #1
Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,
I need advice, but how can I be sure you’re a better choice than Dear Prudence or Dear Abby? They’ve been around for years and you’re brand new to this.
How can you assure me that your advice is good or worth following? The plus side is you’re more likely to answer my question, given your smaller audience, which is a plus.
Thanks,
Not Trying To Start A Fight,
Michigan
Dear 100% Starting A Fight,
I can’t really be compared to those two Legends of The Field. They are powerful women who have given solid advice for decades. But there are a few key differences I would like to point out that may tip you one way or the other here.
Difference #1: I took official sword classes in 2003. I was spoken to in Japanese by an actual Sensei. It is an ancient art I practiced and the wisdom of the samurai now lies with in me. I do not know what sort of martial training Prudence or Abby have received. (if any)
Difference #2: I’ve conquered over twenty (20) official nintendo tapes, and over 6 Sega Genesis nintendo tapes in my life. Including Ninja Gaiden 2, which in my opinion counts for 5 tapes just by itself due to its level of difficulty. Even if I used game genie. Which I am not saying I did.
I don’t have the numbers of conquered tapes for Abby or Prudy, but I would stack my score up against theirs any day.
Difference #3: I have been a friend to over 3 people in my life that has spanned over 6 total decades. I was born in the 1970s and as we all know, with age comes wisdom.
My friends have had many problems that they have told me about and I have used these problems to hone my advice skill. Here’s one example.
Friend 1: Hey, Mr. Nintendotapes, can you help me with this problem I have?
Me: Yes, here is the solution for you.
Friend 1: Thank you!! This is the answer I needed. You solved the case for me yet again, your 100% solve rate is in tact!!!
Me: Glad to help.
So, as you can see, I am quite adept at solving every case or mystery or problem you can have. Conquering Nintendo Tapes takes real problem solving skill, as does learning to not cut yourself so much in the next Sword Lesson. (if Sensei says DO NOT swing the sword unless instructed you MUST listen. It is not a game.)
So feel free to write again with your problem, no harm no foul. It is the Way of Bushido to forgive those who trespass against us as you did against me.
Sincerely,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
Letter #2
Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
I have a date coming up this weekend. It’s my first time stepping back into the dating pool after my last relationship ended five years ago. I’ve been busy raising my daughter and have not been paying attention to the dating scene AT ALL.
My match and I agreed to a picnic at a popular park, and I’m really looking forward to it. But my problem is I have NO idea what to talk about with this man! Can you give me some suggestions?
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Out of the Loop,
West Virginia
Dear Out of the Loop,
First of all, congratulations on getting back out there! Dating is really hard and awful and punishing even under ideal circumstances and yours is bound to be 100 times worse given the info you’ve provided!
But worry not. For I am here to put you on the perfect path to a dynamite picnic date with your PNL (Possible New Lover)
Topic #1: Pets. Everyone loves a dog. But many people are against cats. So tell him you love dogs but that cats are a case by case basis as many of them are assholes in secret. Tell him a fun memory of you saving a Dog from a burning building or apartment. It is ok to tell “fibs” at this stage in dating. You can tell the truth about that later and laugh it off together.
Topic 2: Religion. There are so many! And have such cool gods. The one I believe in is so cool and awesome and not a super well known one. So bring up religion, ask him what his is and if you agree with it or not. Then tell him yours and give evidence why its the best one. Sometimes people get mad at this one but just say “Lol take a chill pill buster, we just talkin” if he does. Or say “Just playin, haha”
Topic 4: Picnics. That’s right. You have maybe the best topic there is right at your fingertips because you are ON a picnic date! Talk about how in the cartoons, ants always invade picnics by marching in single file and carry off all the food while the characters are powerless to stop them. Then the characters get real hungry and look at each other and see food instead of people. And you get afraid they are going to try and eat each other which of course they do.
Ask your date what kind of meat they see when he looks at you after the ants take the food, and you will know what kind of person your date is.
Good luck!
Oh, and here are some Red Flags to watch out for!!! These are Real D.U.’s in my medical opinion. (Dump Umm’s) (not related to Steak Umm’s which gave me food poisoning once)
Red Flag #1: Constant scrolling of the phone or Talking About Himself. These people are the pits! Get outta there. Make up a story about a plague or a starving kid or whatever just get the hell outta there!!
Red Flag #2: Talking about his Ex. GOD! Gimme a break. Since she is so awesome then he must really suck butt since she dropped him! No excuse required, just get up and go. A true “pack ‘er up” moment! just GTFO baby. Major Dump Umm.
Best Of Luck To You,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
That’s all folks! I’ll be back again Friday with more burning questions to douse with my wisdom!
Email me at mrnintendotapes@gmail.com with yours today!
I will answer every single one I get.
MR NT OUT