Category: Nintendo Tape Reviews

It’s Chuck D. Head against the evil Max D. Cap in the ultimate showdown between two guys with the same middle name and head focused identity.

That is why I chose the nintendo tape “Decap Atatck” For the sega genesis for today’s review.

LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

In the nintendo tape Decap Attack, evil MAX D. CAP has come out of the underworld (even though the normal one already looks like a underworld) to 100% wreck house on the normal world. Which is known as “Skeleton Planet” because the countries are shaped like skeleton parts. Max D. Cap blows them all the hell away from each other in the ocean so you have to become Chuck D. Head so you can go around and put them back into one whole skeleton continent again.

Here is the problem! You are only a mummy without a skull. You have a face in your belly which you use to attack monsters and kill bosses. HOWEVER! There is a secret…and the secret is you can get Chuck’s skull! When you do get his skull back you can toss it around like a weapon. But here is the thing: you can lose it again. So be careful.

I played the crap out of this game. It came out in 1990 and that was a wicked year for sure, for a lot of reasons. I got to see Total Recall, Nightbreed, and Misery. Oh!!! and Edward Sisccorhand, all in the theater.

But the best movie of them all was Edward Scissorhand, for sure. I liked how Edward was a monster who everyone hated at the beginning (and again at the end) but his girlfriend loved him even after the town turned on him and made the ending sad. but he still made it snow for her when she was old and she had a family with someone else. Because she was what was important to him, not what the idiot town people thought. Truly a bad as$ movie.

I saw it with Byron who thought it was cool when Edward killed the dude who bullied him, which I admit was pretty awesome. It was directed by Tim Burten, same guy who made Pee Wee The Big Adventure (awesome and hilarious) and BATMAN (perfect movie) so you already knew when you go in to the theater that you are in for a TREAT. and it was.

Byron’s older sister dropped us off and after the movie we were standing out front of the theater waiting for her to get back to pick us up. If you were alive back in the year of 1990, you have to remember that no one had cell phones. It was just rich people who had them and you never saw rich people in those days. Sometimes someone might have a pager, but those were pretty rare too. I didn’t even understand what pagers were for to be honest.

So after we waited for an hour with no sign of his sister and no quarters for a payphone we decided we might as well walk home. See, the movie theater was actually in the next town, across the river. There were two bridges you could take. One is on the interstate, and the other is a bridge that just goes right from one town to the other. We could walk across that one because it had a sidewalk. it was pretty new, it had been blown up (demolition not terror) when i was in fifth grade but now it was newly rebuilt. There were these metal hatches at certain points on the bridge that were access for workers to get underneath.

So one day we discovered that one of the hatches didnt have a padlock and the rest of them did. We hadn’t gone down it but we opened it one night and saw that it had a series of catwalks underneath and below those were giant nets that were made of thick green rope. Ellis dared me to climb down there and get into the net so it was just river 50 feet underneath me. But yeah right, five bucks wasnt worth that to me and I knew ellis never had five bucks anyway.

so anyway, since Carolyn never showed up we started walking through town towards the bridge. It was December and it was super cold outside so we were not thrilled. From the movie theater its about 3 miles back across to our town and our houses. Byron only lived one house away from me.

So of course while we are walking and about to get to the big set of stairs that takes you up to the bridge sidewalk a car slowed down beside us on the road. There were a bunch of older guys in the car, like seniors. They started calling us certain F words like how in those days they used to call you gay to insult you. And they were asking if we were on a date and laughing and stuff like that.

Well, nothing made byron madder than being called that stuff, i dont know why. But it really set him off. I was used to being called names it happened every single day at school but Byron was not used to it at all.

He was pretty popular in our school but these boys were not from there. So of course byron starts yelling to go f&&ck themselves, and this and that. The boys get super mad and start throwing bottles at us. I dont know if they were beer or coke bottles but they were definately glass because one hit the metal fence beside me and exploded into a million pieces with a loud POP.

This made Byron even more furious and he started screaming the way a little kid screams inside the mall when it cant have a toy.

So he is just screeeaming F word back at them, saying youre’ all p$#%ssies and this and that, and it is sounding crazy, he is so mad.

Well, the boys hit the gas and sped down to the riverfront about thirty feet away where you could park. When I saw they were going to park and probably beat our whole asses off of us, man i BOOKED it to those stairs. They are the type where you go up a flight, then turn, and go up another flight. The kind you take in a hospital when they say you cant take the elevator because its out of order. Except there were just railings no walls because it was all open air.

By that point in my life i had already taken a beating by more than one person at a time and it SUCKS A$$ let me tell you! So i was not sticking around for another one just because byron didnt like being called a name. Dum ass.

I rocketed up those stairs and was halfway up them when I heard byron yelling and running up after me. I dont know why he stayed behind to face four guys but I was not dumb enough to do the same. Well, he must have decided against it too, because when I was almost at the top and Byron was probably midway, I could hear the boys at the bottom yelling and starting to run up the stairs after us. I knew i would never out run them and there was no place to go on the bridge except straight.

Then I remembered the access hatch we found awhile back and ran to it. It still didnt have a padlock on it so i pulled it open and went down the ladder and let the hatch close over me. Byron didnt see me and he must have forgot about it because I heard him run past me overhead, and a few seconds later I heard the boys run by.

And it was pretty soon after that i heard Byron get the crap kicked out of him not too many feet away from where I sat on the catwalk below.

Really, it just sounded like byron yelling F word at them and p$%^ssy and f#$%ck you at them, which would then be interrupted by hard grunts. Real punches and kicks never sound like they do in the movies. So I wasnt surprised that the sounds of a 4 man ass beating was pretty much just cussing and grunting. I gotta hand it to him, he never once stopped yelling at them.

I’d only been part of a two guy beat down and there was a point where I was just quiet and tried to crawl away, haha.

I do remember the sound of one hit though, it sounded like a hard open handed slap. There was nothing worse than being slapped back then by another guy. I remember thinking “oh no, they slapped him” and it was shocking in a way nothing else had been during the whole encounter.

Anyway, it only lasted a few minutes until i heard them walk back over head laughing. They whooped and laughed the whole way down the stairs.

I heard Byron coughing and grunting and cussing but there was no way in hell I was coming out of that hatch and letting him know I just sat there listening to him get the sh$t kicked out of him.

I decided I would sit tight and let him get far enough ahead of me that he would just assume I made it home. Really it was nice and peaceful on the catwalks under that bridge. There were little lights along the underside of it so it wasnt too dark, and you could relax and watch the boats go by underneath of you. It was really nice at night because the town was lit up and the water looked calm and black, except for the city lights shining off it. But that made it even nicer. I always liked feeling peaceful.

I took my time and got my strength back from all the running and being scared, then walked the rest of the way home. The cool thing about being a kid back then was no one really worried if you didn’t get home on time. I was a few hours past due and no one even asked where I’d been by the time i walked in the door, so that was awesome. “Oh, no big deal mom. i just sat on the underside of a newly constructed bridge and listened to one of my best friends get the sh!t beat out of him by seniors” Haha, i would have lied anyway.

Byron was pretty much fine aside from a busted lip and a bruise on his cheek, but he still ignored me for a few days. He told everyone at school how I ran from the fight and left him to fight four guys all by himself though. But the joke was on him because people usually made fun of me anyway! Haha.

We were friends again by that weekend and we rented Total Recall for NES which sucked pretty bad.

That is why I give Decap Attack a 2/10

This time it is personal because Shark is a literal fear that i have (also all deep water) because of Jaws The Movie and this is the review I was dreading most!!!!!! But I am a journalist and chronicler of ALL nintendo tapes. I knew when I took this job that it was not for the meek!!!! Even though I am meek (over sharks only)! But strong enough to face my fear.

That is why today’s’ review is JAWS.

I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!! Part of the job.

The thing about sharks is that every single human being is terrified of them. It is a world wide fear for humanity that if they swim in the ocean they will see a back fin pop up thats headed right at them and they will be chomped apart in a bloody cloud like the little Kitner boy in the movie.

And since your older sister let you watch it when you were five, you can never go in the ocean (any water) without thinking of a sharks’ dead, black eyes staring into you while their rows of jagged teeth bite and tear you apart so they can devour your entire body. It fills you with such immense dread that the two times you ever went to the ocean you never went in more then ankle deep and you were even in your thirties!! While your girlfriend was like “aw”! Even swimming in the river with your friends made you nervous as a kid because you already knew from your obsessive research into your paralyzing fear that sharks can adapt to fresh water!!!

So it is a real fear and everyone has it, and I know that by reviewing this terrifying tape i am going to cause a lot of world wide panic.

I am sorry to all humanity but there are only several thousand nintendo tapes to review and I wanted to get this one over with early so i can STOP worrying about it because that is what you do when you want to make a healthy choice for yourself, and not live in fear.

In summer of 1989 byron came down and asked if i wanted to go to Davis Lake with him and Big Todd and ellis. I said ok, because I had been to Davis Lake before and i knew they had the arcade version of congo bongo which is probably my second favorite gorilla tape, and i had played it at aunt Lydia’s a million times on colecovision. and the arcade version was even more awesome. I always liked how the speakers in arcade games thumped harder than the ones at home on the TV. Just an awesome experiance.

So I said ok. I put on my swimming trunks and grabbed a towel and off we went. (I needed the towel so they would believe I intended to actually swim that day and not play congo bongo the entire time.)

Usually i dreaded stuff like that because I knew that there would be some kind of pressure to do something i hated or at least get made fun of for refusing. But as soon as we drove off, the best song in the world came on (One day Love with find you, by journey) which is a hard rock song with guitar and synthesiser and it was about love but in a cool way.

So hanging with my best buddies and listening to the greatest song ever and knowing i had five dollars for snacks that i would use to play congo bongo the entire time had me in just about the best mood you could be in during the summer of 1989, aside from seeing batman. and ghost busters 2. Even Big Todd was in a good mood for once, and he wasn’t even messing with us too hard, only making fun of us for being nerds and stuff, which was fine by me. Better than some awful hike.

Davis Lake was about 40 minutes away and it isnt anything fancy like in big city lakes. It had a pretty long sliding board, but not the long twisty style tubes that “water parks” like you remember from Bill And Tedd movie had. It was a regular small lake that had what looked like a wooden dock out in the center that floated there. I guess they tied it down because it never floated away.

It was big enough for maybe ten people to lay on if they swam out to it. That was where byron and ellis were headed, while i said “I am going to go get something to drink” aka “i am going to go to the snack bar and play congo bongo all day, see ya fellas” but i didnt say that part. I knew I wouldn’t have to defend my choice for awhile because there was a buzzer that went off like every 40 minutes that meant everyone has to get out of the lake. I guess to have a rest and dry out.

When I walked into the snack bar, it was all different from last time. The tables were moved around and the counter was new but the bad thing is the Congo Bongo arcade game was GONE. It wasnt even replaced with a crystal castles or anything. it was just gone and there was nothing in its place but a grimy looking square on the floor where it used to sit.

I went over to the counter and asked the teenage girl behind it where they put the Congo Bongo. She looked at me like I was the stupidest human being on planet earth and said “I dont know what that is, I dont think we have it”

If I was the happiest kid in the car listening to Journey an hour earlier I was definately the saddest kid standing at that counter while the teenage girl stared at me. Because it occured to me i am going to have to swim. And I had hid my fear of sharks from my friends since I moved into that neighbarhood in 1987. I had been able to cover with lies the whole time.

I went back outside right as byron and ellis were coming in. They had decided they would wait for me and we could all three swim out to that floating dock think in the center of the lake. Awsome. Cool. I said I was too tired and they asked from what. I couldnt think of anything and byron said “come on p*ssy.” (his catch pfrase) They knew i could swim because we always went to the town pool down at the high school in the summer and I could do ok but like i mentioned before, i dont have a lot of “stamana” for physical. So they didnt see why I couldnt swim out there with them.

So i said alright. To be honest with you, I was pretty mad over the congo bongo situation and figured i would be mad enough to not be afraid of the deep water, and since it was a closed off lake that wasnt connected to any other river (the lake was small enough you could see the whole thing) that the risk of shark attack was zero.

But when I stepped into the lake, the water was dark and gloomy like the river. The swimming pool in town was ok, it was clear and you could see the bottom and you KNEW there was not anything in there that would kill you unless jeremy sunderman happened to be there that day, and he would at worst just beat your ass behind the gym. But a murky lake where some ancient shark could have been lurking for thousands of years was much more terrifying to me.

After some more prodding from my friends along with the rage of no congo bongo, I said “scre*w it!!!” and i was was able to force myself into the water. I had two ways to swim. One was doggie paddle which is embarrassing and slow. The other is to go under water and then swim with my whole body which was a lot faster but i could only do with my face mask which covered my eyes and nose. Since i didnt plan to swim at all i did not think to bring it.

So i had to doggy paddle which was really tiring. Not that big of a deal since you can lay on the dock in the middle and rest before you have to swim back. So i wasnt’ worried. But I was worried my foot would brush against the scales of a prehistoric shark which would then drag me under and i would drown/be eaten and die of both at the same time screaming.

So here is the problem: I made it to the dock and had barely pulled myself up on to it when the stupid buzzer went off for everyone to get out of the lake!!!

byron and ellis hopped back in (they were athletec) along with the rest of the people sitting there. I was pretty much out of energy from the swim there and it was a fact i would not make it back to shore from the dock if i tried. My arms were burning from even getting out there.

But guess what. The world is full of crap @ss rules. And even fuller of people who trip over their idiot selves to make sure everyone else follows them.

I was the last person sitting on the dock and of course after the buzzer goes off and everyone leaves, the life guards start SCREAMING! at me to “get back to shore!” but there was no way i had the energy to make it back so soon so I sat there and made the “sorry i cant do anything” gesture with both arms.

Then it was not only the life guards screaming but a bunch of people on the shore who were sitting on chairs and towels. Bunch of rule cops!! i never liked any kind of cop especially the ones who didnt get paid to do it. I thought what is so wrong with me just resting here during the fifteen minute break? I am not swimming it is just a floating dock. I can sit here as good as I can over there.

BUT NOPE!!! they kept screaming at me! byron at this point had come back towards me and started yelling at me to come on. So i got back in the water and started doggy paddling. I knew i was in trouble right away because my arms and legs felt so heavy. I was going really slow, making almost no progress at all. Which along with the normal murky water shark panic, I knew i was taking too long to get to shore and all the lifeguards were getting madder at me and everyone at the whole lake was watching me. It was the worst feeling in the world.

byron was getting further ahead of me and i knew i had no choice if i wanted to live. I said “byron, i need help dude. can you help me, please i am going to drown”

and he was getting pretty embarrassed just being near me so he grabbed my wrist and started yanking me along while he swam, meanwhile he cussed at me the whole time. he also reminded me to “kick my f^^cking legs because he cant do this himself” Which i understood being mad totally it was a crap thing to have to deal with. We finally get about five feet from the shore and byron let go of my arm and swam the rest of the way and got out. I was panicking and trying to paddle and starting to sink when the lifeguard watching me said “jesus just put your feet down, kid.”

So i put my feet down and stood up and realized i was about to drown in basically three feet of water. Which somehow made it worse for everyone to see.

I went and sat in the snack shop after i got the strength to walk again a few minutes later. I used my congo bongo money to buy snacks for byron and me in the end. When I did that he wasnt’ mad at me anymore and me and him and ellis talked to some of the girls in the snack bar.

well ellis and byron talked i sat there and ate my strawberry crunch bar. I love those. But the girls seemed nice.

that is why i give JAWS nintendo tape 10/10

also i do not feel any less scared after facing this fear so i do not advice you ever do that.

There is a new the batman movie coming out soon that looks pretty scary and serious. I like Batman when he is more into “antics” like he was in 1989 when I was 12. Then he fought the best Jocker he ever fought and there was a lot of prince music. Like ALL the songs in the movie were prince songs. So it rocked. And Batman would be mysterious and kind of funny in a “i am dangerous but i have a sense of humor” kind of way. Just very Cool.

One day my friend Byron and me got to see Batman movie with jocker (jack nickelson) and his dad dropped us off at the movie theater and we were wondering if even ROBIN could be in it (he wasnt). And we were sure he would be. It was ok because we still liked it bc Joker was BAD as hell in it. after the movie we walked to Rallys (hamburger joint, we each had five dollars) and (in those days you could get 2 rally burger, fries and coke on five dollars) then we went back home and here is the best part: it was a sleepover night and we played bugs bunny crazy castle adventure tape until USA UP all night show starring gilbert godfrey came on…he was the host on USA network. A few years later they brought in a beautful lady name Rhonda Sheer who was also really hilarious, and they would have really funny bad movies on there.

Well let me tell you, in between the movie and before commercial they would tell jokes and make fun of the movie haha. So it was really fun.

I have been looking forward to reviewing this tape since i first started this web sight!! so lets dig in.

In bugs bunny crazy castle you have to go up stairs and through lots of doors that lead you to come out of other doors. You CANNOT JUMP. Which sucks because you want to jump in every tape. You collect carrots in the room you’re in while you avoid your hated enemeies of looney tunes like Slyvester the Cat and Yosimmitty Sam, and even Wild E. Cotoyote.

When you collected enough of carrots then a treasure would appear and then you could go on to the next room of the castle where you did it again.

Well we played that tape all evening until Up all Night came on, there is like a thousand levels and not being able to jump in them at all really brings down your mood the whole time. So when Gilbert came on at 11 we were pretty excited to get back into a great mood. It worked.

The next morning byrons dad said GOOD NEWS boys! we are going on a hike. He said he already told my parents and they left the house so I had no choice. So I said ok a hike can be fun. (lie) The thing about Big Todd (byrons dad) is he only really acted happy when he was screwing you over. He was always gruff and cussed at and about everything, but if he had an idea for you to do something you were going to hate he would grin as wide as a shark. There is probably a name for that illness but I dont know it. So Big Todd having “GOOD NEWS” meant he was going to g*t off on screw*ing you over. I always liked him. Even when something sucked I usually liked people or found the funny side.

I knew a hike would suck because i was always too tired in those days. I played outside and everything a lot i was just always weak before I grew up and became strong as hell. And it was hot out!! It was the summer of Batman and if you dont remember it, it was huge. Batman was everywhere and if you were not talking about it or seeing it or playing the tape you were playing with the action figures or reading about it in magazines. So going on a hike for an hour was gonna suck. Even playing bugs bunny castle me and Byron discussed batman constantly.

So we got dressed and into the car and Byrons mom drove me, byron, Big Todd, and little todd (byrons twin brother he was just name little todd bc he was named after the bigger one) out to where we were going to start the hike. We were going to walk all the way from there back to the house. Well here is the thing. She didn’t stop driving. She drove and drove out the old highway that leads out of town and we lived in a rural place in those days. So I was getting worried. I asked Big Todd if its too far to hike and he said dont worry because it is a lot shorter walking back because it is a shortcut. so I believed him. You can tell me just about anything and if it sounds like the truth or if I really want it to be true I will probably believe you.

We get out of the car and byrons mom leaves and we head into the woods following Big Todd. He said don’t worry, we will be back to the house in an hour after a fun hike and we can play nintendo for the rest of the day.

Three hours or so later, I was a little behind the others. I was really tired. My legs were burning after going up and down a million steep hills (after each one Big Todd would laugh and say ‘dont worry, its right past the next hill” and that really cracked him up. It was like the funiest thing on earth to him even after he had done it probably five times an hour.)

Anyway, I was maybe thirty feet back from them bc I was always out of breath. I heard Big Todd and little todd start laughing, and Bryon started crying. They were stopped on the path, we were walking through what I thought was a big wheat field at that point. it was just really tall yellow grass like up to your knees but there was a path through it.

They stopped to laugh at Byron while he cried and I caught up to them. They were standing around a black snake that was sitting there coiled up not doing anything. Byron stood there cried and cried. I asked if it bit him and Big Todd said no, he is just scared of it.

I looked back at it and it was a regular black snake. They arent poisonous or anything so I told Byron that but he got MAD at me and yelled I DON’T CARE!!!

Big Todd said look, (my real name) isn’t even scared, be a man and lets go.

You see, the other two had already walked around it and were ready to move on. but byron would not move at all. So I went ahead and walked around the snake which didnt even move and byron asked his dad to use the machete strapped to his backpack to kill it. Big Todd laughed and said “I am not going to kill that snake. I guess youre’ going to just have to stay here with it because we’re leaving”

We got about thirty feet away and byron finally caught up to us and called us all assholes. When Byron got mad he would cuss at his parents, kind of like how Big Todd would cuss at literally everything.

Big Todd laughed and said I can’t believe (my name) is braver than you. Look at you crying about a black snake. I felt pretty cool at that point because I never felt braver than anyone. And now here is Big Todd telling two people how brave I am. That was awesome.

So we took a few more hours and since no one brought any water with them, we were all dying of thirst by the time we got back. My parents were home by then so I went back to my house and took a shower because I was covered in crap from the hike. Byron was still mad at everyone for being braver than him and he went in his room and slammed his door shut anyway.
Then I layed down on my bed and played with my batman figures until I fell asleep.

I never took a hike with Byron’s dad again.

That is why I give Bugs Bunny and the Crazy Castle a 10/10

The grossest noises in any video game are yours in the ultimate fight that takes place across two backgrounds against guys who all have the same moves. When you hit each other in it your guys make the same sounds that the gross dog does when it chokes on the bone in the Christmas Vacation movie.

So if you ever wanted to create a guy who looks like don cheadle and then pit him against a bunch of guys who look mostly alike in front of one background and then one more then this is the game for you. Unless you love Karate and hate Kickboxing and the sounds of throwing up.

Because! Even though this nintendo tape has the word Karate in the name there is no karate at all it is kickboxing. In America that is called a “false” advertizement. Which is illegal.

The best part of this boring liar game is the MOVIE that came out that was a sequel to it! Named Best of the Best 2. There was even a bad guy who used metal nunchucnks AND had a metal club on his ponytail!!

That is why today’s review is Best of The Best Championship Karate.

1993 was a bad ass year for all things. the super nintendo was out and had all of the coolest tapes like UN Sqaudron and james bond jr. Also nickelodeon had ALL cool shows. Afraid of Dark, Hey Dudes, Salute The Shorts, etc etc. Awesome.

Well here’s the thing about that year: it also had jurassic park and best of the best 2 movie. and Ground Hogs’ Day. I wanted to see Ground Hog day REALLY bad. It looked like it had a cool magical storyline and also looked romantic in the previews. My favorite movie back then was called Untamed Heart with Christien Slater and Marissa Toemai. And it was romantic and sad and was just great. It got me really into movies where people fell in love. When i was a kid I always thought it would be cool to make someone happy like that and have them look at you the same way as the people in those movies.

I told my BEST friend Aaron about Untamed Heart and he only said something like “what the f***ck” but he didnt make fun of me about it. He just looked confused. Later on he said he saw part of it on satellite and it was boring so he turned it off.

Anyway, so Groundhog Days looked awesome. When Byron and Ellis said we are going to go see a movie one day, I was pretty excited because I figured it was going to be that. BUT. They said even tho we are BUYING a ticket to Ground Hog Day, we are going to sneak into Best of The Best 2 and watch that instead. Because it is rated R and we were only 16. (ellis was 15). I was really disappointed. But I knew that if I argued it wouldn’t matter bc we always did what Byron and Ellis wanted to do and honestly it was just what Ellis wanted to do.

Byron never argued with him because he wanted to look like he was also the one in charge, and so it was only me who ever suggested something else. Like renting Ernest Saves Christmas instead of Hellraiser in 1989 which I did bc it was my money i got from my mom (i lied and said Hellraiser was out at the time) and they really whined about it so I watched it alone and it was great. Idiots.

Before the movie we met up with our other friends who were transfer students from Quebec. They moved to our town because their dads were both lumberjacks and they were going to cut down a lot of trees. Their names were Leon and Henri. You had to say Leon like it rhymed with the name Liam, though. So it didnt really sound like Leon at all.

They were cousins and both of their families moved down to our town in America together. They were both cool and SUPER nice to me but Henri had a very strange sense of humor. He was always making us laugh with his jokes but he had a habit that was very strange to me.

he loved peeing everywhere that was not a toilet. In your yard, on the street, didnt matter. In the middle of the day, he just did not care. he did it so much and Leon didnt ever bat an eye so i Figured that is just how it is done in their country. They were french and I wasn’t sure how they were both canadian and french at the same time and I didnt’ want to look like a moron by asking them. So when they did stuff that was different like peeing all over in public I just figured “well their french and canadian that must be normal.”

I thought with their added votes I might be able to change the movie to Groundhog Day but they were also really wanting to see Best of the Best 2. I’d rented that tape before for super nintendo and i HATED it! It was boring and it sounded NASTY any time you got hit or hit another guy. So when a movie sequel to it came out I knew it would sound gross or be boring.

But guess what: The movie actually ROCKED. it had a guy who dressed like ken in street fighter, and he fights in this underground rich people club, and if they lose the singer my mom liked Wayne Newten would come out and then hold up his thumb. if the rich people in the audience cheered, his thumb stayed up and the loser of the fight got to live. But! If the crowed booed, he turned his thumb down and the loser gets a FATALITY. So the movie was not like the nintendo tape at all! it was like street fighter mixed with mortal combat. then the guy who died has two friends who come to the underground fight place and beat the crap out of everyone for revenge, even a guy who has metal nunchicks and a club attached to his pony tail.

We were all walking home after the movie and Henri was behind me and I hear him say in his french accent “Hey, (my name)”…
and i looked back to him and while he is WALKING behind me he has his th*ng out the front of his pants and is PEEING on the sidewalk!

that was almost 30 years ago and i still do not know how he didnt pee all over his shoes but somehow the stream just stayed ahead of him while he walked. We all laughed really hard, that guy was hilarious.

We went back to Leon’s house because it was closest to the movie theater and he had a really big basement that was just like a second living room. Ellis and Henri wanted to “spar” and practice moves from the movie. Sparring is when you do a fight but the hits are like pretend so they don’t hurt. When it was my turn, Ellis accidentally kicked me in the face as hard as he could and my glasses flew off my head. Henri died laughing then so did everyone else so I made myself laugh too.

No one knew how bad it hurt and how dumb I felt at all. Because when you are going to do fights you have to accept that you can get hurt. It is part of being cool and having friends.

So I give Best of the Best Karate Championship nintendo tape a 10/10

Not all monkey style games are designed to hurt you.

Tarzan is a tape where you are a man who evolved from a ape who lives among the apes but also fights the apes and sometimes a snake or different colored apes and also saves more apes from cages and in the end gets to a big temple with a face at the top.
And did I mention pushing the side buttons on the controler lets you do Tarzan Yell?
Just like Carol Burnett.

That is why today’s nintendo tape review is Tarzan: For ColecoVission

My Aunt Lydia introduced me to Atari and Colecovision. Then later she got a attachment for the colecovision that made it play Atari games so she could give me her regular atari. Then later the colecovision too.
She was a original gamer. She loved to play tapes all day and even developed a hump on the back of her neck from playing so much.

So when I played Tarzan for the first time in 1984 it was at her house where I always spent at least two weeks every summer. We rented video tapes and watched them all the time, big stacks of them, and played atari and Colecovision. It was wicked. all the classics. One movie we rented was name “Tazan: The Legend of The Gray Stroke” and i really dont remember much about it but i do remember it gave me Tarzan fever especially when she bought the Colecovision tape!!!!!!!! Of it.

You go around the jungle killing gorellas and humans and snakes, then you avoid pits and climb trees. You also free captured apes and murder the humans who have guns. (humans always love guns) But the surprise here is guess what. Some of the apes aka gerillas have sided with the humans. So it is ok to murder them. Then at the end you get to a weird pyramid that has some kind of face on it. You climb the temple and kill more goerillas then get to the weird face at the top and press BOTH side buttons and tarzan does “The Tarzan Yell, The Power of The Gray Stroke” power and the temple crumbles to rubble and you start at the beginning.

There is a little monnkey who follows you and sometimes helps you I think it is Tarzans’ wife or cousin. I dont know i never cared about the story because he was too naked and I liked heroes in cool armor but the game was awesome and had WICKED music. And the story is a mystery one because no one knows why Tarzarn lives among the apes. He just likes to.

Aunt Lydia and Uncle Ned loved to eat. I like it a lot to. but when I say they loved to eat i mean that we would go through Kentucky Fry Chicken drive thru and they would get the biggest bucket of chicken and biscuts and gravy and corn and cold slaw, like a five family dinner then give me my plate to take to the living room and eat while I watched Jaws 3-D and they would stand at the counter and eat the entire rest of the dinner.

I am not making fun of people who do that. It is just they loved to eat so much they didnt even take time to put the food on a plate. And I always wondered why they didnt want to sit down to eat like everyone else i knew.

They stood over the buckets and boxes and ate the food and didnt talk at all. They would smack their lips and breath loud thru their noses while they chewed and I would turn up the TV because i didnt like the sound. Then when they were done we would watch more movies or play more atari until bed.

My cousin Ann who was 18 back then came home with her boy friend who was a few years older and i did not like him that much because he almost always wanted to talk about a cartoon called “beanie and cecil and he said it was the best cartoon ever. He said it was about a boy who was friends with a loch nest monster and to my mind in 1984 when i was seven that sounded AWESOME. So he finally brought over a tape of it and we watched it. And it was the lamest cartoon I ever saw!!!! Zero special forms or attacks. Zero powers or energy swords.

it was not like he-man, or transformer, or even scooby doo which I didnt like that much in the first place because of how lame it looked. And the lock nest monster was friendly and had big eyelashes so it didnt even look like a monster at all just a buddy.

Anyway Anns’ boyfriend was name Allan. He looked like a guy from those 70s movies where the men wore little round wire glasses and had red hair cut short straight across his forehead with long side burns and wore all black clothes.

So Allan and Ann get home from seeing Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom. I was jealous beceause I wanted to see it and wasnt allowed to because it was too violent. but in 1985 I got to because here is a secret. Aunt Lydia would let me watch anything I wanted. jaws (scary) or secret of NIMH (beatiful) or even Porkys’ (dirty) . I also felt really grown up there because She would let me drink a bartle and james every now and then and coffee too. So it was like getting to feel grown up when you’re 8. So when Temple of Doom came out on Tape that next year I got to see it and i Loved it.

But in 1984 when Allan and Ann came back from it I was just mad. and I was even madder because when they were done talking about that movie Allan started talking about beaney and cecil again! he always talked about that or monty python which i thought was a snake. he was boring and I hated him. He wore these black mens boots that had a kind of high heel on them and one time he stood on my bare toes with them and when i said OW and told him he was standing on my foot and it hurt he looked down at me and acted like he didnt hear. He just stared at me then looked back to Aunt lydia and kept talking. And he did not move his foot either, not for like ten more seconds. No one even said anything. When you were a kid back then you were invisible even to people who loved you.

But the good news is Ann brought home Kentucky Fry Chicken for me and Aunt Lydia and Uncle Ned and they gave me extra and when i was eating it I realised it made me feel a lot better. The more of the food i ate the better I felt. Then when things made me sad a lot later on I would always remember to eat and it would help. It still helps me a lot when I feel down I just go get a bunch of food and eat it so in that way it became a good thing.

And in the end the joke was on Allan because his skin was so pale you could see red dots all over his face and neck. He always wore a suit jacket that went to his wrists so I just guessed they were all over him. And you couldn’t see any on me hardly at all.

So when I went to bed that night I fell asleep thinking about being mrs brisbey’s boyfriend from secret of NIMH and how she cheered when i used my energy sword to defeat him and she gave me hugs.

Then i had a nightmare about the scary garilla on the cover of Tarzan: Nintendo Tape.

But now i realize it was wrong to think mean stuff about Allans dots. He didnt ask for them and you should never think mean stuff about people if its not something they chose. So i apologize to him for that. I heard he died awhile back so I wanted to make sure you all knew I apoligze to him. if you are mean even if it makes you feel good at the time you can hear that the person died and then you will feel like you are the humans from Tarzarn The Video game. and that is the pits. i wish we could all be more liek the friendly goreilla from the front of that tape.

so I give Tarzan :The Colecovision a 2/10.