Author: Mr. NintendoTapes

If there is a more bad ass name for a tape i want to hear it. So unless you come at me with like Dr. Gravedigger, Esq VS Vampire Bigfoot: Bad Monster Truck Moon Rising, then get out of here, you’re not topping it. So this game better rip hard with a name like that IMO!

Mr.NintendoTapes family UNfriendly new review website feature:

+– ” Cussing. ” –+

That’s right. You all asked for me to stop editing my Cuss Words on the reviews because you’re not “babies” and it makes me look stupid or lame. Those are two things I hate to be so get ready because from now on there WILL be adult language used. No more stars instead of the dirty letters of the word. >:)

I came across this tape on twitter this morning and decided to buy it. It is a download only tape so I put it onto my phone but I couldn’t figure out how to play it. When I tried on my computer it just opened something that had like an instruction book. Here I made a video on it.

ok so I took about a hour and i found out that the instruction book thing is the actual tape. I thought it was like a video game tape. but it isnt it is some kind of playing card tape?? NBD i never reviewed one and i love to try new stuff so i will see what the directions say and try it out but I don’t have high hopes because i wanted to see parents graves but I’m going to have to imagine them instead.

well guess what I already have a good parent grave image made in my mind from when I was 8 years old in 1985 and my aunt mary accidentally dumped a full pot of hot coffee down the top of my head and all over my chest and back and arms and legs and shoes.

You know how you have those “family stories” that everyone will tell each other every time you all get together for thanksgiving or xmas? every single time? well one of the stories all my relatives tell each other about me and laugh like its the first time they ever heard it (its like the trillionth) is called “remember when (mrnintendotapes) got the coffee spilled on him and he screamed bloody murder? lol”

OK well so sorry that a 8 year old screamed “bloody murder” because near boiling coffee was poured all over his body I guess he is a wimpy MORON!!!!!! “LMAO” ! So anyway a aunt is very much like a mom who doesnt live with you or tell you what to do or look disappointed when you don’t bother going to school dances because you’d “just stand there not asking anyone to dance and imagine you’re back home playing Star Tropics anyway”
so I have aunt mary’s grave already fully constructed at this age let me tell you its been a lot of years that i have been meticulously imagining it.

so that is good at least.

Anyways I sat down and read the instruction book and guess what. It is a card game you play with yourself and then write stories about it every day. I don’t want to go into detail because explaining how a card game works is like giving it away for free. So I will just tell you right now i don’t do anything for fifty days in a row unless i am in a coma or getting paid for it. or like eating or whatever. which pays me in nutrients. so its a hard pass to do this for the whole month and a half but to be fair to the tape i am going to IMAGINE i did and in that way experience it fully. i have explained in past reviews the power of “mind friends” so this will just be an extension of that ability called “mind games” but not the kind that everyone on dating sites says they dont want any of.

Going to play now, be back after the break.

and we’re back.

OK first of all you need regular playing cards and all i got are my fortune teller cards. i use them when i want to get pretty sad about my future or even my past or present. i always get the cards of people getting stabbed with swords and shit or cups that are spilled all over so they might as well do me some good for once in my life by helping me play this dead parents tape.

So I made a character because this is a role playing game tape. That is when you make your own character to play so its good you don’t play this game as yourself and imagine your own dead parents. then no one can accuse you of being a weirdo. it is only a game, aunt mary.
so my character was this guy:

Name: Baltus “Scrizzy” Scrizlam of the Raging Storm

Gender: Pirate man (Pirate king man (in secret) )

Greatest Accomplishment: Won the middle school dance contest with his girlfriend who really loves him a lot and thinks hes cool and he loves her too and they even stayed together for their whole lives and were happy forever. They were never lonely or sad even once. all these years later they still look at each other and smile lol.

Greatest Trauma: seen the challenger explode on live tv in the music room at school and was the only one who cried out loud.

Name of parent who just died: Aunt Nary (real name secret because its only a game not real life)

Ok so there is a real secret system that tells you what kind of stuff to imagine and write about for the game. You can tell the creator is a high art kind of person. It’s pretty crazy because you can write some cool stuff. So i did that and i imagined a whole life of me as Scrizzy getting married and being in love even had a kid haha and the music called “fields of gold” by sting played over my imagination and by the end i was crying pretty hard idk why because those are happy thoughts you would think but i guess its just an emotional kind of card tape.

Scrizzy’s main weapon is “arm grinder” which is an invention of mine that is a robot arm that has these metal chompers on it like those videos on instagram where people feed things into these rolling crusher things. Metal barrels, kids bikes, anything they want.
Yeah so I had that for an arm so no one is gonna cross me at all.

Anyway I got to imagine Scrizzy marrying Ashleigh on top of his Aunt Nary’s grave so that was pretty wicked, like some revenge on this evil queen who thought dumping scalding grog on a boy pirate was a hilarious story. I even chomped up her tombstone a little with my arm grinder.

here is what the game screen looks like when youre done:

Rest Your Heads on Your Parents Grave i will be honest i don’t think it was for me. it feels like one of those “high concept” things that people talk about and that i dont really understand what they mean. like when you meet someone at a party and they say something like “abstract expressionism is so and so” or say “post modern this and that” and youre like “yeah you’re totally right, ha ha” and you hope they dont expect a follow up because you dont have any idea what they are talking about but you know you better act hip pretty quick or be the dum ass of the party.
thats what this game feels like so i am going to say i understood all the concepts perfectly. and please do not ask any follow up questions.

Even though I conquered it as i do every tape i play, this one had me laying in bed for a few hours and having thoughts that were supposedly really good like being married for my whole life and having a kid, but for some reason it just crashed into me like a skyscraper driving a bullet train into my skull and i locked up and did a sort of quiet scream cry for roughly half an hour so i ordered these really good rosemary crusted boneless wings from the place at the bottom of my hill and those always help after you scream cry over happy thoughts so all in all it turned into a pretty awesome day.

This is why I give And You Will Rest Your Head On Your Parent’s Grave an official rating of 10 Nary Graves out of 10.

i paid for my own copy of this game tape and was not given anything to review it. im not affiliated with anyone who made it and any images for it used here are used under copyright by their owners and used here for review purposes. aka “this isnt mine and im allowed to use a picture because of the law”

Also the game gave me an idea to make my own MrNintendoTapes single player card game because it seems pretty easy to do. So be on the lookout for updates on that in future.

“And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding”

It’s been a minute! I feel the love from all over the planet as I look at my stats and see a person in Ireland checking out the site daily. i got lost inside the void (mind) for a while but I’ve come out the other side full of hot new ideas and even hotter new drugs.

Yes that’s right. Now mr. Nintendotapes official sponsor is medical weed. So now the master level doctor style reviews are going to be even more expertly written because weed makes you better literally at everything. Except swimming idk why. Science hasn’t said.

Thanks to all my readers and all the weeds I take now. “Let’s get back to work” and really try and heal this planet and just vibe together because all we really have is each other and well I want you to have a beautiful life. Because I love you and I love Tapes.

See u later this week. *smoke puff* (disappears into the cloud)

Doctor Spock of Star Treck goes on a mission to Earth of the past in this Top Secret Episode of Stark Trek.

+–special feature for today’s review: the official song for today’s review is “You Were Meant For Me” by Jewel (from CD Pieces of You) so please listen to it on a device or hear it in your mind as you read this. I wrote my review so it would be enhanced by this song. –+

(warning: NOT the song “Foolish Games” by Jewal. I didnt study the effects of that one on the mind with this review. i am not responsable if you use that song instead. )

Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode is a nintendo tape about what happens when the KGB want to get a thing called “cassandra” i think it is a disease or something it wants to release but Dr. Spock (Star Treck) is pulled back in time ( i think, Phar-Mor didn’t give me instructions when I rented it just the sticker that tells you what the buttons do, no story included in the sticker) to fight them. It was a cool idea but Top Secert Espisode is one of those tapes that told you “many different kinds of gameplay! ” but then it does all of the kinds of gameplay really badly. Like Bayoo Billy.

There are levels where you walk back and forth and shoot guys with your phaser and atmoize them (controls bad). Then you go into buildings and have to play first person maze levels like in Goonies 2 (confusing).
Then you go into first person shooting areas where you move a target around to shoot guys and bullets coming at you like operation W.O.L.F. (too hard). Then it makes you play underwater levels like ninja turtle (confusing and controls bad and is too hard). Then it makes you fly around in a helicoptor and avoid planes and shoot planes like in choplifter. (boring and slow and hard). Then when you get to your target you have to look through a scope of your gun to find the guy youre’ going to murder, and then you can snipe them from your helicopter. (pretty cool)

I rented this tape and me and Byron played it all weekend when we were 12, finally beat it an hour before we had to go to Phar-Mor and return it sunday night before In Living Color came on. I remember the end boss was another awful first person aiming level, and you have to fight this mother brain from metroid. I think it is the same mother brain from that game, this might even be a secret sequel to metroid. which is cool they let them do that it is the only time I know of where star trek and metroid meet in a game.

That would be a good novel. I might ask nintendo and star treck if i can write it for a small fee. like a hunderd thousand dollars only. Anyway you snipe mother brain at the end and your only ending is just writing.”ok you won good job thanks bye” plain boring writing which is the worst ending u can get, especially when its a game you have to use a notepad and map out confusing mazes and crap while arguing with byron about who is better at the aiming levels and getting game overs constantly. You deserve cooler ending than that if you work so hard to win, maybe cool animated explosion scene and dr. spock falling in love and kissing his girlfriend. That would be good.

dr. spock was one of my mind friends when I was a kid. Mind friends is a Top Secret trick you can learn within your own brain. It is a kind of trick you can do so that you don’t feel lonely. You can even do it as a grown up. But don’t tell people in real life that you made them into mind friends. I told a hollywood director on social media website that i had created a mind friend copy of him in my mind so we could go on adventures in my imagination and maybe in dreams. But when he read it he blocked me. So its ok to do it, just don’t tell the real life versions of Mind Friends about it. They get mad or scared. Even though it doesnt’ use any of their energy up.

Anyway, all you do is pick a famous or cool person, can even be a person from a fictional book or whatever. Then try and imagine them perfectly in your mind, how they talk and walk and laugh and smile, then imagine they are your best friend. When you have the image of them in your mind they can sort of take on a life of there own. But not really. But if you are laying in your bed and youre’ lonely and no one wants to be around you, it is a good way to have fun with a friend! And guess what, that friend is famous or a superhero, whatever you want!

My mind friend based on a real director disappeared from my mind when the real one blocked me though. So i cannot go to more new jersey hocky games with him in my mind and say things like smootchey bootcheys….. But now me and Jewel can be mind friends maybe. Her song’s are very beautiful. And she is wise. But her songs make you cry if your not careful! So be careful. 🙂

Mind friends are great fun and in many ways just as good or even better than real ones. Because Mind Friends can never tell you that there are reasons why your girlfriends always leave. They can just tell u cool and good things like how fun it is to hang out with you. Which is aweseome.

That is why I give Gogo 13: The Top Secret Star Treck Episode 10 Pieces of You out of 10.

New feature to reviews: Emoticons 🙂

please enjoy the new feature in this and future reviews 😉

JAPANAMATION ROCKS!!!!!!!!! so if you were like me in 1992 and loved japanamation and you were into fighting tapes in those days then you know this one for sure. Street Fighter II and Mortal Kombat were great. That is true. But any real fighting game fan knew that if you wanted to get serious with your friends to see who was the best of fighting, you played the tape “Ranma and a Half: Hard Battle. ” and it was based on my favorite japanamation i rented from KB video!!!

It is the tape that separates the wimps from the true fighters. Any one can throw fireballs if your ryu. But only this tape lets you fight as the boy or girl version of the hero, Name Ranma. And even other characters are more things, a girl name shampoo becomes a cat, and her husband moose becomes a duck. or Ryoga become a pig. Pretty cool. It all happened because there was a curse on them by satan but in this game the name of satan is pantyhose. which makes it sounds not serious but satan curses are not a joke in this game. they are evil. Anyway now since they are cursed if they get water on them then they become other things.

In ranma and a half: the hard battle, you are a student at a school and this insane principal who likes to spank all the students tells you that you are going to fight all your school mates. And also an older man who is his friend who is called Gambler King. It is a weird story for a nintendo tape and i dont like that the principal wants to spank kids. that seems bad to me, you should only spank your own kids, and that is only if they do something really evil like pull a knife on a boyscout and steal his popcorn order sheet which yes, i did one time when I was 14, but ellis said it would be funny and it was only the can opener of my swiss army knife. once again a fun day became RUINED because of what ELLIS made me do!!!!

I felt bad because it scared the boyscout so bad and ellis stole his popcorn order sheet that he was taking door to door to sell so his troop could go on a honor mission into the forest or something to camp. I was only a scout for a week, I got the uniform and everything then went with ellis but it was boring and I didn’t care about patches. and you had to do this stuff about honor and god and helping people to get patches. I like helping people but honor seems like what samurais used to kill themselves over in the movies and to be honest i got enough god stuff from pastor roy at AWANA so i was not super into getting even more of it while having to camp outside where there is ticks and ants. Or even a bear or bee.

Well guess what, me and Ellis were cooling at my crib after the incident playing some nintendo tapes. a knock happened on the door and i answered it and it was a COP. he wanted to come in and talk and mom and dad let him in. He was really tall and scary looking. he said that one of the other kids on my block said I pulled a knife on him and stole his popcorn sign up sheet. Ellis started laughing and laughed so hard he was red in the face and my mom screamed at him to get out of her house and he left and he was crying laughing on his way out the door. so the cop looked at me and asked what happened.

Well i could not lie, so I said that ellis told me we should prank the boyscout with my new swiss army knife i got for my birthday. it was my second knife I ever got and it rocked it had a little scissor in it, and a tooth pick and a tweezer! I loved it i felt like i was prepared for any situation. i always loved to be prepared.

The police said since i held a knife on a kid i was in huge trouble, but I told him it was only the can opener and i would never really hold out a blade on someone. I said i knew it was a bad trick to play, and that Ellis always had a way to make me feel like his dumb and mean ideas were cool and that if i didnt do them with him then i was stupid and lame.
One thing you never what to be as a kid is stupid and lame.

So i told the cop that I was sorry and I wanted to apologize to the kid I had terrorized. he said I could tomorrow. I didn’t have to go to jail. so that was good. mom and dad were really mad that i was a hoodlem now, basically the evil bad boy of the block. all the parents would now know that the nintendo tape kid was a villain and to keep their kids away from me.

mom and dad yelled at me so hard and grounded me so bad that by the next day they felt really bad and let me go outside and play with Byron but “Stay the hell away from Ellis” which i was unable to do because ellis was at Byron’s house when I went over. I dont’ like to admit this part but when they saw me they started singing “bad boy bad boy what you gonna do when cop comes for you” the theme song of the 80s tv show name COPS. and that made me feel cool because in Ellises eyes i became more criminal and that made me more of a cool guy for the day in his eyes. Even though it was his idea. He liked that I did a crime.

But that night i was trying to watch Harry and the Hendersons on Encore channel and I was so sad over what i done that i couldnt laugh even though that is a really funny movie and it was really one of my favorites, it came out in 1987 and i loved it ever since and at the end when the man slaps Harry and makes him go back into the woods it made me cry becuase i was very emotional after my very first violent crime and i was understandably shook up. that happened in 1991 i hope that the boyscout i terrorized had a happy life. i should call him and see if he is ok.

i bet he hopes i have been in jail for 31 years… 🙁

that is why i give ranma and a half: hard battle nintendo tape a 1/10

if you want to buy the sequal to this tape look at ebay for “ranma and a half: the screen saver: ying and yang was never this much fun”

The power of bible is broken, and satan is the master of earth now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a lot of fake people you will meet in this life! Some of them will be fake to get money from you or be fake to get you to love them and then they’ll say “ha! dum ass! got you good!”. it is ok it is the way of the universe. all energies are necessary to hold this reality together and even the fakes have their purpose! maybe i just tell myself that because it easier to accept, ha ha.

We have all known fake people. But did you know there is a tape where you can build a whole fake world for fake little people to live in, the kind of fake people who will never tell you that you are special then treat you like you are unspecial DIRT?? or steal your credit card number!!!

Well there is a tape like that, and you don’t mind to build a nice little society in it because the little fake people are the type who wont hurt you or steal from you ever! So it is a much better way of exploring humanity. And they pray to you and bring you offerings to power you up because you are their god and they will obey your commands! Which helps you feel better in life. And stronger. And theres’ bad a$$ music.

That is why today’s review is the nintendo bible tape “Act Raiser”

In the beginning you are awoken by a little cupid angel (naked). He tells you that satan (using a fake name in this game, marvurko or something I think) sealed you away for a long time and your planets’ people died off. Well, now you are back and you have to birth a new generation of humans so they can plant crops and bring you offerings and pray to you. The more humans you make and the more prayers you get, the stronger you will be when you face Lord Satan at the end of the tape. That is the way of God, and the way of bible. To become stronger and make the humans worship you. It is gods job.

When you begin the game the world is over run with demons from hell!!! So as god, you infect a warrior statue with your power and bring it to life. Then you can work through the first level and kill demons and the boss at the end of the level. When you get that done, you will have a safe area for your people to live. It is important to kill demons in this game because they want to murder your people in your villages to bring more souls to satans army.

Pastor roy ALWAYS warned about satans army in bible club name AWANA. but the things he said that made you a part of satans’ army always seemed unfair. so I never really believed him. he said if you dated the wrong people that you could be in satans army. guess what there are no ‘wrong people”” imo…unless you mean bullies and killers, and who wants to date those anyway!!!!!!!!! if a14 years old can see that your teachings are dumb and youre pastor roy then maybe you should rethink your lessons! oh well. satans army is a good enemy for this nintendo tape anyway.

After you clear level one demon area, you start with two humans. (adam and eve) at garden of eden. Since your god, you did this once before many years ago before satan beat you up and trapped you away. So you remember how to create two people. Then they go inside their temple and you can get to tell them to build roads and have s*x so they can create a society. So they do, and the more you make them build huts and stuff, the more they have se*x and make more people, then THOSE people do MORE sex* with each other and make MORE babies. BUT!!!! there is danger, because as you fly around the map as Cupid, there are hell portals that demons come out of. They will try and steal your people and drag them to hell! So you have to use the power of “Cupids’ Arrow” to defeat them.

Your goal is to build roads to the demon portals so your little humans can seal them closed using the power of prayer (your power, you are god and you grant it to them, they are your vessels and you are their master)

When you seal all portals on each map then you fight a boss demon and then move to a new country to start again. When you finish doing that over and over in every country, you have a whole earth full of people worshipping and praying to you. So you are powerful again and you hope that there are no bad guys pretending to be good guys in your new world infecting kids with bad ideas like doing it before their married is going to make them burn forever in h3ll. only good vibes for your little yas queens. (dont let them evolve to say those things)

In the end you defeat satan and your fake people are happy. They will pray to you forever now, and you will be drunk from their energy for all time. But if you let them start having “world wide web” in the 1990s then I advice that you dont let them invent “soacial media” because everyone will start making up dumb sayings then repeating them to each other but act like they are the first ones to ever say it. and don’t let them invent dating world wide web sites either!!!!!! because i don’t want to do that again and get hurt!!!!!! just do not let them have internet let them play ultima vi on their pc forever, it is good enough for them.

Dont let them fall in love. that is why i give ActRaiser for super nintendo tape system a 1/10!!!!!!!!! do not go on date sights.