Author: Mr. NintendoTapes

Ask The Warrior Anything.
But I’m Tired of Diabetes Questions.
Just Get Checked, Guys. IDK What To Tell You.

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes,
My dog won’t stop humping. Whether it’s the furniture, his stuffed animals, the other dog, me, the house. He humps anything anywhere. It’s starting to affect my marriage.
What’s a good way to communicate to him that these feelings are normal, but that he’s putting a strain on the family with it?

Sincerely,
Tired of This Humper,
(Via Email, No Location Given)

Dear Tired,
This is a predicament indeed! Of course, its the genetic imperative of all creatures to pound ass, and most animals don’t know enough about social etiquette to understand that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex/body enough that you keep it indoors, with a consenting participant only, preferably in the bedroom, and as polite as you can manage while apologizing for any physical, emotional, or mental shortcomings.
That being said, it is unlikely you will be able to properly communicate this to your dog verbally, so you may want to create an educational video with your partner in an informative yet entertaining fashion with some honest and succinct bullet points. Here are a few I suggest.

1. Nervous crying is OK, but the sooner you can reign it in, the better off everyone is going to be. The magnitudes of personal shame involved with love making can not be overstated and you need to know that an uncontrollable torrent of tears is natural. But it’s not particularly sexy.

2. Hide your shame of being h*rny with your partner in a PRIVATE designated space. That way no one can see you but maybe God, and if he doesn’t like it then he can figure out if you go to hell later on. And if your partner makes any comments about being “just a little disappointed, its not a huge deal” then no one but you will hear it and as long as only you know it, then you can live with it. But I’m pretty sure dogs talk to each other telepathically anyway but this is a good one to keep in mind for anyone really.

3. Honest Communication.

Best Wishes to you and your darling humper. I hope your family survives this.

Regards,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

Dear Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes
My partner and I have been together for years, and things were going great until they dropped a bombshell: they want to completely change careers. I’m worried about the financial implications and the impact on our future. How should I navigate this unexpected turn of events?
Thanks, Anxious in Atlanta

Dear Anxious,

Wow, what a doozy. The dog one was fine because ultimately I’m not going to ruin a relationship, at worst the dog will but my hands will be clean. This question has Real Ramifications and that makes me nervous. But as a Doctor of Advice, let me navigate this mine field for you. Hop up on my shoulders, Anxious, its time to deliver you unto the opposite shore of this complex problem.

It sucks to be unhappy in your career. Trust me, I used to have a career in the grocery dept. of Wal Mart and it was awful. People always asked about my weak chin (beard wasn’t allowed there in those days) and it really drained me.

I changed my career to staying home and typing on the internet and shit, and I haven’t looked back since.

If your partner is acting miserable and lays on the couch all day saying things like “i wonder if Armageddon is close, and if it will hurt when the fiery mountain atomizes us?” or “i would give anything not to feel this I would even eat Fritos (worst snack chip) every single day than go back to that shit pit hell hole piece of crap”
then it may be a sign your partner is especially unhappy with their career.

I would advise that if your partner is unhappy to the point that it is seriously damaging their mental health then it would be a good idea to take a look at the finances and practicality of shifting to a new career. Linkedin is a great place to start I hear, even I have one, though I’m not sure how it works. If your partner needs a character reference from a Master Level Advice Doctor (anointed by the Council of 7), I’m happy to provide one for a nominal fee. They can even write it, I’m easy. Just don’t let them slip in any weird shit like “I recommend this person as a good employee and I also like to mule condoms of cocaine around for fun in my deep anus” or something. I do not like pranks and that one has been used on me more than once already.

Whatever you do, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a big ask. And relationships are hard work and we all have to make sacrifices for one another sometimes. But it has to go both ways. That’s what my exes keep telling me while I’m crying and asking “Are you sure?” while I’m being gently edged out the door.

Best wishes,
Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

That about does it for today’s Warrior’s Wellness or Ask Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes! I have a few more questions in the can but I always need more!

send your questions about anything to mrnintendotapes@gmail.com
and I will answer them right here! Totally free.

Warmest Regards and Champagne Dreams

Dr. Mr. Nintendotapes

“We seem to have reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away.”

LOL

ain’t that the truth. but guess what. with time travel, you can just restore everything that got taken. like my metallica black cd in 1991. i even knew the thief he was a bully of mine and i said i know you took it and he just said “so” like he was daring me to go tell. i just went home and listened to use your illusions instead. oh well. guns and roses was cool back then so it was fine. axl loves reggae so he is still cool too.

anyways, with time travel u can right the wrongs of the past and even be friends with a cool frog along the way. that’s why today’s review is Chrono Trigger.

So what makes chrono trigger so special? it has great graphics, perfect music, a fun story where u alter the time flow to save the world, cool characters and even some cute characters. and many swords and magics and villains.

but what makes me like the game so much is you can go back to the past and change something small then go back to the present right after you do it and see how your change affected life in the present. very cool. and the art was designed by the dragons balls guy, so thats’ awesome too.

some days i wish i could get my grubby hands on the epoch time flyer from chrono trigger and zip my way back to the early 90s.

i could hang out with all my buds again (if i took the form of my younger self, in this mind scenario i do) watch some are you afraid of the darks, eat bagel bites, rock out to iron maiden while whipping byron’s ass so hard at street fighter 2 that he tears the shit out of his bedroom while screaming again lmao.

but most importantly i would tell myself DO NOT ask melanie to dance!!!! because my heart would break the same way it did during my first viewing of UNTAMED HEART starring marissa tomei and christian slater when i was 14 and i cried really hard when he died at the end of a bad heart. just like how it felt inside when melaney laughed at me. haha. and when i was done fixing that mistake of the past i could just chill with mom and dad because then we would be basically adults and i could see if we would have been buddies.

and i would avoid having a w*t dream on the living room floor while we were all watching Roseanne one evening in 1990 and when i woke up my parents faces were like stone carvings. you could have bounced a brick off em swear to god.

why does living have to be so weird on planet earth sometimes i feel just like mr. baseball when he first got to japan and everything felt out of place and strange.

so that is the tale of chrono trigger, the game that came out in 1995. i pre-ordered it at the local game store and ended up becoming life long buds with the guy who worked there which was cool. and the cool thing about friends is you never have to tell them about what you did on the floor in 1990 while the family was watching Roseanne. you dont have to tell anyone and i never will.

even though accidents happen, according to your therapist last week when you brought it up because once again you were crying over it but this time it was because she asked if u had any good memories of living at home. and that accidents arent anyones fault but u did see her lip twitch a bit to keep herself from laughing so you tell me who is to blame here.

That is why my official score of the classic Tape of Chrono Trigger is 10/10. Because it give me hope that one day i can either travel backward to restore my lost spine or be destroyed by a time paradox either way the slate gets wiped lmao

damn just listen to the corridors of time music! and imagine me keeping my mouth shut when melanie laughed at her friends joke and my heart leaped to my throat lmao because that will fix this time slip and then i can be the hero…of my own life.

LMAO

To old people, tapes can be many things. Like HAM Radio or Snoozin In The Recliner.
To Aunt Nary, tapes were Lover Books, which created scenario’s within her mind that I don’t want to think about anymore. In this world in which we live there are many things that can Frighten.

On to the Review.
(names have been changed to protect the innocent or in this case the guilty)

*guilty of harboring Lover Books

While I was busy in the 80s learning the ins and outs of whipping ass of true villains like Donkey Kong or Bowser or the brick walls in Wrecking Crew, Aunt Nary seems to have been “battling demons of her own.”

The demon of lust according to Uncle Harnold after we showed him the box of Lover Books we found.

My sister was pretty excited when she showed Uncle Harnold who got even sadder and asked what the hell we were doing down there, anyway. We told him we got bored of looking at Aunt Nary laying in her coffin so we explored her relics and treasures in the basement and how we found this box tucked away under the stairs.
He said “Just take em” and I said “ok, we can put them on a book sale maybe” and my sister hit my arm and said “You’re fucking crazy”
The rest of the afternoon was spent playing some Baldur’s Gate while mom and my sister went through the box all excited while occasionally stopping to show each other their finds and exclaiming: “ooh! this looks like a good one.”

Uncle Harnold called mom the next day and she told us we can’t come over to the 5th day of the wake because we were “an upsetting presence” and “Aunt Nary needs to be consecrated in peace” and that must be upsetting because I could hear Uncle Harnold crying thru the reciever.
That’s fine Aunt Nary once spilled a full pot of boiling covvee on my head
(see my review for “And You Shall Rest Your Head on Your Parent’s Grave” here: https://mrnintendotapes.com/?p=688 for more information on that trauma)
(warning, first review where website feature ‘cussing’ was implemented)
which was fine with me, I was done looking at Aunt Nary’s coffin and eating ten pastas anyway. Motherfucker.

Anyways as u can clearly see, tapes can come in all shapes and sizes and cause many emotions. In Aunt Nary, that emotion was called “a way to avoid having anything to do with me in the bedroom. she could touch those books all day and never want to touch me” according to Uncle Harnold which he whispered to me in the basement that day while holding my fore arm too tight and blowing his whiskey breath in my face.

Well now Aunt Nary is resting peacefully unless Lover Books are a hell thing if there is even a hell which i cant really say. I get this cold feeling that im all alone a lot when im trying to go to sleep like there is a void out there or maybe even just inside me lmao who knows just night time thoughts.

anyway, I don’t like Lover Books, I accidentally read one when I was 11 called The Pack and it was about a pack of killer dogs who ate all these people and then did sex stuff with a lady before eating her and I stopped reading because it was the worst thing I ever read. I wish Chace Mcatee never told me to read it what a loser.

That is why I give Dead Aunt Nary’s’ Lover Books a 0/10 a first time non existent score here on the ol website.
Here on the ol information world wide web lmao

DID U KNOW?

i can be found on internet sites.
http://www.instagram.com/mrnintendotapes
http://www.twitch.tv/mrnintendotapes
https://staging.bsky.app/profile/folden.bsky.social

What happens when I go back to streaming myself on cam playing nintendo tapes?

this review is very straightforward. go to twitch.tv/mrnintendotapes and drop me a follow so you can be notified when I go live. Ill upload a schedule on there too but i am still figuring out when i will play regularly. but believe me bubba, i am gonna play some tapes. and i am very lonely lmao just kidding im not lonely at all i just dont have anyone haha and i wish i had someone to talk to rofl.

so join me on this new adventure of streams. it will be fun and not sad at all. beecause we will have each other. and perhaps super mario 2 who knows.

thats why i give me playing games on twitch a 10/10

I got the bobby’s called on me for trying to review this so when i get all legal issues cleared I will re-upload this review. My apologies to bucking ham and all royalties.

sorry its been a tough year but reviews are coming back in due time i just have some hurdles to clear up and i got a cease and desist to figure out what that is from nintendo. because they “dont like” what i do with “their” name.